The Jackson dynasty of random names
Jermaine and Randy Jackson, Michael's brothers, fathers and uncles of a mess of related people with absurd names
The other night we were discussing stupid things at friends' houses, until Janet Jackson's first album was extracted (this detail will allow those who know me to understand who I was at home, but it is not important). A little girl appears on the cover of the album. We wonder who she is: the caption says it is «the niece Autumn».
Whose daughter will this be, we wonder. Let's do a little research, from which it emerges that Michael Jackson's brothers have done circus numbers on the subject of children, producing a situation that for names and parental junctions exceeds the most optimistic expectations of buahahahahaha.
Jermaine La Jaune Jackson is the 4th brother Jackson: in order the Jacksons are Rebbie, Jackie, Tito, Jermaine, La Toya, Marlon, Michael, Randy, and Janet. The first, Rebbie, is from 1950; the last, Janet, is from 1966. They are all alive, except Michael. You tell me the artistic injustice.
Jermaine Jackson, leader and bassist of the Jackson 5, had a string of children, and stole the wife of his youngest brother, Randy. But other than that, he's a kind of wild inseminator: one who bears children with anyone who comes within range. He does them, and gives them fucking dog names.
First wife: Hazel Joy Gordy, daughter of Barry Gordy of Motown. Together they have three children: Jermaine La Jaune “Jay” Jackson Jr. (1977), Autumn Joi Jackson (1978) and one later.
For a few years he calms down, until he remotely adopts Dawn Jackson (1985). After that he gets together with that Margaret Maldonado, with whom he has Jeremy Maldonado Jackson (1986) and Jourdynn Michael Jackson (1989). In the middle, however, he has a flashback with Hazel Gordy, because Jaimy Jermaine Jackson was also born in 1987. And there is also another child whose son is not well known: it is little Jasmine Jackson who was born in 1988.
An apocryphal internet gospel speaks of another daughter, that Imperial Jackson, who would be born from a further flashback with Hazel Gordy in 1990, but is more far-fetched than an economic analysis by Friedman.
At this point we pass to the little brother Randy who is with Eliza Shaffy and at the same time with Alejandra Oaziaza, with whom he has the following children: Genevieve Jackson (1989) and Steven Randall Jackson Jr (1991). The one with Eliza instead is called Steveanna Jackson (1990), who also brings with her a sister from a previous marriage called Soraya Shaffy (1991).
Let's go back to Jermaine, who cheats his wife to his little brother, which is why the two don't talk to each other for years. With Alejandra Oaziaza, Jermaine adopts Donte Jackson (1991), followed by Jaffar Jackson (born 1996) and Jermajesty Jackson (born 2000). The boys are so brothers and cousins at the same time, as well as having the names of cartoon villains as well as made up from scratch.
After which the two divorce. Jermaine converted to Islam in 1989. In line at Starbucks in 2004 he meets Halima Rashid, a wealthy Afghan. Three months later he asks her to marry him, she agrees, they marry and live in Los Angeles. But being calm with the issue of names in his family, he decides to stir it up a bit, and changes his surname for artistic reasons, passing last year to Jermaine La Jeune Jacksun.
Jermaine would also have a historical lover, a certain Lawanda (I would like her to be nicknamed "Gastrica", but I have no supporting documents to support this heady thesis).
Review of Jackson's genealogy with names to turn around in laughter. It is recommended that you read aloud.
- Joseph and Katherine Jackson have: Rebbie, Jackie, Tito, Jermaine, La Toya, Marlon, Michael, Randy, and Janet. Joe has another daughter with another woman, and he calls her Joh'Vonnie.
- Rebbie Jackson and Nathaniel Brown have three children: Stacee Brown, Yashi Brown and Austin “Auggie” Brown.
- Jackie Jackson and Enid Spann have: Sigmund Esco “Siggy” Jackson Jr. and Brandi.
- Tito Jackson and Delores “Dee Dee” Martez have three children: Tariano Adaryll Jr., Taryll Adren Jackson and Tito Joe “TJ” Jackson who together make up the 3T pop trio.
- Then we have Jermaine Jackson and Hazel Gordy with their three: Jermaine La Jeune Jr., Autumn Joy, Jaimy Jackson.
- Jermaine Jackson and Margaret Maldonado have two children: Jeremy and Jourdynn.
- Jermaine Jackson and Alejandra Oaziaza, two other children: Jaffar and Jermajesty.
- LaToya Jackson and Jack Gordon have no children, thanks to the Black Virgin of Częstochowa, because otherwise who knows what.
- Marlon Jackson and Carol Parker have three children: Valencia, Brittany, Marlon David Jr ..
- Michael Jackson and Deborah Jeanne Rowe had two children: Michael Joseph Jackson Jr. aka “Prince Michael” and Paris-Michael Katherine Jackson.
- Michael Jackson and a surrogate mother had a son: Prince Michael Jackson II known as "Blanket".
- Randy Jackson and Eliza Shaffy had a son: Steveanna Jackson.
- Randy Jackson and Alejandra Oaziaza: Genevieve, Donte and Steven Randall Jr.
I want to ruin myself. Bonus: other celebrities who gave their kids fucking names.
Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon named a son Moroccan (they have a room in the house decorated in a Moroccan style).
Nicholas Cage named a son Kal-El Coppola Cage (it's Superman's Kryptonian name).
Jason Lee called a son Pilot (for the Grandaddy song "He's Simple, He's Dumb, He's the Pilot" from the masterpiece The Sophtware Slump)
Lisa Bonet has already changed her name, and has been called Lilakoi Moon for quite a while. But that's not enough. She and Jason Momoa have a son named Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa.
Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale's daughter is called Zuma Nesta Rock.
Frank Zappa's youngest daughter is called Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen.
The Edge of U2 has a daughter named Blue Angel.
Bryan Adams has a daughter named Mirabella Bunny.
Bobby Brown's first daughter is named La'Princia Q. Brown.
