Is Melania Trump a Red Sparrow?
I’m here to address accusations I’m complicit in my husband’s attempts to undermine American Democracy and recent questions regarding my Visa.
I find these statements hurtful, and misleading. “Complicit” implies I’m a passive participant. Today, I’m here to tell you I will no longer be complicit- I’m here to tell you, I RUN THIS SHIT.
Do you think I stay married to philandering, orange, man-toddler for money? Please, I’m backed by Putin and China. I stay so he can not testify against me in court. I speak six languages and made it from Slavic village to White House in 16 years on a mysterious “Einstein” VISA. Donald is deeply in debt, reads at fourth-grade level, sleeps 14 hours a day and thinks the television speaks to him. Who do you think has the mental capacity to mastermind the collapse of a world superpower? Puttie and I steal your election like I steal Michelle Obama’s speech, right in front of your smug American noses .
Jared’s “back channel” to Russia in the Trump Tower, that was me. “Back Channel” is my code name because I never have sex with Donald face to face as per my prenuptial agreement.
While Donald and his idiot children create clusterfucks of distraction, I’m in Michael Kors -GETTING IT DONE. Why you think I don’t move into White House right away? I couldn’t leave my gold toilet seat? I sat around chatting with “My relatives” in “Slovenia” right in front of the Secret Service for months.
How’d I pull it off, you ask? You’ve seen spy movie, right? Well, part of my training ( that included how to walk through disaster areas in stilettos, developing master reflexes -have you seen my ability to deflect attempt to grab my hand -and, with just a little help;) a completely unreadable poker face), was researching your country’s weaknesses. We all know America bad to the women and if I wanted to infiltrate system, I would have to beat America at its own game.
First I found the biggest, brokest, dumbest, most hideous misogynist I could find and become third wife. Then I let you see my pussy. I learned in America if they’ve seen woman naked, they never take her seriously again. Second, I always make sure in interview and speeches, my English is broken, so I seem like I don’t quite understand. Men just spill all the secrets while I linger, walking ever so slightly behind them, listening in.
I spend years hugging dolphins in the bikinis for magazines and practice being perfect trophy wife while we waited (and waited) for you to run Hillary, knowing whether Americans lean left or right they still have their own way of hating women. We use internet to play your patriarchy off itself till you gave me (in the guise of most abhorrent man on the planet) USA. Since nobody seem to care that I’m not doing my unpaid job as FLOTUS, I’m free to do my highly paying job, spilling State secrets.
And I when I laugh at you, which is often, I think about making some of you feel sorry for me. “Poor, Melania. Why does she stay?” Ha! You think I care were Donald puts his Cheeto? Please, you want to come in contact with the semen of a man who drink 12 Diet Cokes per day, be my guest. What Michael Cohn didn’t tell you is that I paid those women. I may be cold, highly trained, super spy but I know what they went through… and they deserve the cash.
As your government is collapsing and Country is in chaos, my work here is nearly done. Whatever happens to you, for me this ends on a plane with Barron to an actual Billionaire’s Island. One without extradition. Maybe the insane man who used to date Mariah Carey? After you dismantle a 300-year-old western democratic system, becoming the supreme leader of Scientology should be breeze.
