The Golden Rules of an Amicable Divorce: While Bill and Melinda Gates Separate
Bill and Melinda believe that they can no longer "grow together as a couple"
After 27 years of marriage, Melinda and Bill Gates have announced that they have filed for divorce, saying that "we no longer believe that we can grow together as a couple."
"After thinking about it and working hard on our relationship, we have made the decision to end our marriage," they both tweeted.
Although they have asked their relationship for time, the billionaire couple appears to be parting ways on good terms: They say they will continue to work together on their charitable foundation.
— Melinda French Gates (@melindagates) May 3, 2021
So is it possible to "undock" in a friendly way? We asked attorneys and divorce experts for their best advice on how to “undo the knot” with less acrimony and expense ...
1. Let go of your complaints
The decision to end a relationship can be traumatic, chaotic, and difficult to navigate emotionally. This is where access to professional advice, outside of divorce proceedings, can be of great help.
"The longer you keep your complaints against your ex, the more difficult it will be for you to resolve the issues," says Samantha Jago, a partner at the DMH Stallard law firm. “Don't use the sand of the court to perpetuate her grievances; This is an expensive, stressful and time-consuming way of trying to reach a resolution. By letting go of your grievances, you can move on, not just toward resolving your divorce, but toward a much more positive place in your life. "
2. Take your time and don't rush your partner
Sue Andrews, a family partner at the BP Collins law firm, says that it is very rare for the separating parties to find themselves in the same emotional place at the beginning of the divorce process. "One person may have been thinking about ending the marriage for some time, and this news can come as a total shock to the other," she explained.
The language around the end of relationships annoys me so much. 27 years, three children and billions spent via their foundation. I don’t claim to know much (anything?!) about marriage but that looks like a pretty successful run to me.
— Sophia Money-Coutts (@sophiamcoutts) May 4, 2021
Therefore, it may be best for you and your ex to separate for a while before becoming overwhelmed with the essential details of the divorce. "If you do not give it time and the formal steps are followed in an inappropriate rush, a spouse's feelings can alternate between great sadness and anger, which will generally result in a delay in the divorce process," she added.
“This is often because that person is afraid of her uncertain future, rather than a desire to be difficult on his own. I rarely meet a client who, six months later, does not feel better, more positive, and less grounded than in the dark and haunted days of early separation. "
3. Explore your options together
"A common misconception when it comes to divorce is that litigation through the courts is the only option," added Grainne Fahy, a family law specialist and partner at the BLM law firm. collaborative mediation, arbitration or divorce ”.
Fahy says mediation can help you resolve finances, children's arrangements, and other issues with her ex-partner through a completely neutral third party. Similarly, collaborative divorce brings both parties together, but instead of an independent mediator overseeing the process, each party's attorney comes together to negotiate a solution.
If you cannot afford a divorce attorney, then divorce mediation may be a better option. In this situation you and your spouse work with a mediator to set the terms of the divorce.
— Wellner & Isaacson (@WellnerIsaacson) August 27, 2019
"Family arbitration is another option whereby the resolution process occurs privately, rather than in court, where an 'arbitrator' is appointed to decide the case," she added. "Out-of-court options are often faster, cheaper, more flexible and friendly than going through the gibberish of court litigation, and both partners make their voices heard in a way that leads to a fair settlement."
4. Pay attention to how you communicate
"Communication issues are routinely cited as a key reason for the relationship's breakdown," says Kate Daly, co-founder of the Amicable platform.
“It is really essential to learn, or relearn, effective ways of communicating to resolve differences. Try not to interrupt, treat each other with respect and take a break if things heat up. "
5. Avoid social media
"My big rule of thumb is to avoid social media - it's one of the biggest drivers of family tension, and it raises the heat considerably," says Holly Tootill, a partner at the national law firm JMW Solicitors. "Often times, people feel hurt and seek support, but instead of sharing their feelings through Facebook or Instagram, seek professional support or find someone to trust offline."
"Going through a divorce will never be an easy process," added Emma Davies, a partner on the divorce and separations team at the Nelsons Law Firm. "However, by keeping things friendly, you can enjoy a better relationship with your ex and come to an amicable agreement that will save you money on attorney fees."
