No one is safe. Even the heartthrob par excellence has just confessed in an interview that he has also suffered (and suffers) for love. Disappointment produces wounds that are difficult to close and leaves scars that last over time. However, not all of us suffer or recover from pain in the same way.
If Brad Pitt answers in an interview "we all have a broken heart" in GQ magazine, we immediately think of Angelina or Jennifer, because it seems that heartbreak is what really destroys inside. I keep reading. Brad has a habit of writing down all his dreams when he wakes up. I am pleased, because I have the same 'hobby' and I have been asking my patients for more than 30 years to at least try to do the same. When you get the hang of it, dreams can be great advisors. They allow us to pry into the deep sea of our interior beyond the waves of the moment.
"Suppressed needs, things that didn't come out, expressing healthy anger, developing an individuality and having a voice." This is the explanation of the pain of Mr. Pitt, to whom the hours of therapeutic flight are noted.
I agree. Life hurts -sometimes a lot- and more in recent times. The world suddenly becomes a hostile place where all dreams precipitate. It is in the deep waters of the unconscious that forgotten fragments of the true heart often appear. They talk about when we disconnected from ourselves: from what we were, from what we are, from what we would be if we could. They are the ones that hurt the most because they are not seen and in this way we do not recompose them.
To complete the picture, Brad suffers from prosopagnosia, or face blindness, the inability to remember the faces of new people he meets. He rightly admits that he has always felt very lonely. Unchosen loneliness hurts, when your companions leave and you don't know or don't want to stay alone with yourself for a longer time. So, the heart breaks and there are no band-aids "for this broken heart" no matter how hard you play Alejandro Sanz's song until exhaustion. So much sadness produces loneliness that the actor describes it with a quote from Rumi, the Persian poet of the 13th century: "Somewhere, beyond good and evil, there is a garden. There I will meet you." Heartbreak, emptiness, loneliness. No one is immune to suffering.
NOT ALL HEARTS ARE BROKEN THE SAME
From the very moment of birth, we need to bond with those who lead us by the hand to discover what we are and who we are in the world. Throughout life, we seek the "significant other" to stay by our side as a source of security, trust and support. It is a tendency called the attachment drive, an inevitable shuttle towards others that we are all born with, it is in our brain, without which we die, get sick or go crazy (there is a lot of scientific literature on childhood and now adult attachment)
For the link to occur, a certain degree of healthy emotional dependence with the other is necessary. The key is in balance because that need also creates ties and turns us into beings exposed to the great risks of the soul: loss, disappointment and abandonment. The death of a family member, the betrayal of a partner, the disappointment of a friend, etc. They produce wounds that are difficult to close and leave scars that last over time. However, not all of us experience and recover from the pain of a broken heart in the same way. There are three styles of doing it:
The anxious style. As he places the other on a pedestal, even at the cost of feeling like an ugly duckling, when he bonds, he places all his expectations on the chosen person and quickly projects himself into a shared future, even when there is no foundation or certainty to support his game. Insatiable in his need for affection, he is so concerned with being loved (or worse, not being abandoned) that he can become overly accommodating and throw tantrums if you stay away "too much" in his opinion. They run a serious risk because a breakup for them is like a car accident with a head-on collision, they are left without half of themselves, damaged and crushed with the feeling that there is no tomorrow for them.
The evasive style. He feels alone like everyone else and that is why he goes out to meet the one who could be his "attachment guardian", the denomination that comes closest to his authentic possibility of relating without fear. "You're there and I'm here" he tells you soon, because the excess of intimacy gets on his nerves (anxiety to be more technical). He becomes suspicious, he makes you notice that he doesn't need your help and soon you will see his deactivation strategies live. Escapism artists, his emotional car accident is off the road. Once again they are alone, bruised and with the same desires. "Free" they say.
The safe style. He enjoys intimacy and does not live with the concern of abandonment as he has the belief that his attachment will be reciprocated. He has good self-esteem and handles conflicts quite well. He cares, he allows himself to be cared for, he likes to share time with the other and give space when it is time. Of course they break his heart, but since they are good drivers, he accepts the "accident" without fear of his feelings, no matter how hard they are because they also know that the pain is temporary.
.jpg "We all have a 'broken' heart (even Brad Pitt)")
The first two attachment styles attract each other like flies on honey and social networks are the perfect setting for their encounter and disagreement. The first looks with excessive zeal for the other and the second runs away. I call them "hello-bye" relationships and 'ghosting' is just one example.
Combining with a confident style is a good investment over time. They may seem "needy" at times, since they don't have the fireworks that are so popular and engaging, but they are a guarantee of less suffering. Still, it's best to become your best safe link, or as Pitt says "take radical responsibility for yourself" as an antidote to suffering. You will know the freedom to share and the joy of reunion. "The scar is the place where the light enters you". It is, once again, Rumà who gives us our breath back.
