Because it looks like our favorite ex-Royal's latest get-rich-quick scheme has gone belly up faster than a fish in a desert. That’s right! Meghan Markle’s much-hyped, barely launched lifestyle brand, *American Riviera Orchard*, has apparently wilted faster than a daisy in the Valley. Meghan Markle, former actress, short-lived Royal, and currently… well, who knows what she is these days? Anyway, imagine her sitting in her Montecito mansion, probably wearing a crown she bought off Etsy, thinking to herself, “You know what the world needs? More overpriced jam from a list celebrity!” And thus, *American Riviera Orchard* was born—or should I say, it barely sweetened out a whimper before flatlining. Remember when Meghan announced this brand?
It was supposed to be her big comeback, her moment to show the world that she’s more than just Prince Harry’s wife or a former Royal complainer-in-chief. It was going to be huge—bigger than Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop, more successful than Jessica Alba’s Honest Company—except it wasn’t. The announcement landed with all the impact of a feather falling on a pile of crickets. Tumbleweeds rolled by, and the Earth continued spinning, completely unaware that Meghan Markle was about to grace us all with—checks notes—overpriced jam.
Meghan sent out some jams to her friends and influencers because nothing says, “I’m a serious businesswoman” like mingling preserves with people who are contractually obligated to pretend they like you. I can just imagine the influencers in their houses: “Honey, we got another package from Meghan Markle!” “Not again! What is it this time? A manifesto on why she’s the most victimized person in history?” “No, it’s jam, like the stuff you put on toast. But it costs more than our mortgage! Can we return it?”
After the initial “Hey, look at me, I’m selling jam!” moment, we’ve heard absolutely nothing—zip, zilch, nada. It’s like *American Riviera Orchard* entered the witness protection program. In the world of business launches, silence is about as golden as fool’s gold. It’s the kind of silence that makes you wonder if maybe, just maybe, Meghan realized that selling overpriced condiments isn’t quite the ticket to worldwide adoration she thought it would be.
Of course, the internet being the internet has gone wild with speculation. Some theories floating around include Meghan waiting for the right astrological alignment to officially launch (Mercury in retrograde is terrible for jam sales, don’t you know?), pivoting to artisanal dog food—because if there’s one thing the world needs, it’s gourmet kibble endorsed by a Duchess—or that the whole brand was actually an elaborate prank and we’re all waiting for Ashton Kutcher to jump out and tell us we’ve been punked. Others speculate she’s too busy planning her next tell-all interview about how the jam industry is inherently racist and out to get her.
I know, I know, “real” and Meghan Markle in the same sentence is a stretch, but bear with me. The truth is launching a successful lifestyle brand is hard—really hard—even for people who are, you know, likable. And let’s face it, Meghan’s public image lately has been about as appealing as a root canal performed by a blindfolded dentist.
people buy lifestyle brands because they want to emulate the person behind them; they want a little piece of that person’s perceived fabulous life. But who, pray tell, is looking at Meghan Markle these days and thinking, “Gee, I sure wish I could be more like her?” Let’s review Meghan’s recent highlights, shall we? Constantly playing the victim card? Check. Alienating her entire family, both sides? Check. Making her husband choose between her and his entire life? Check. Complaining about how hard it is to be fabulously wealthy? Check. Failing to deliver on Netflix and Spotify deals? Check and check.
If this were a game of how to tank your public image bingo, Meghan would have a full card and be working on her second.
