Well, it’s official—the spread has gone wild, and Meghan Markle is stuck in a messy situation, quite literally. Word’s getting around that one unlucky buyer popped open their fancy little jar of Montecito magic—priced at a cool $14 for what’s basically a toddler-sized portion—and discovered a hair. Not just any hair, mind you, but a full-on, front-row-seat, twisted-through-the-spread kind of hair. Appetizing, right?
Let’s set the scene before we dive deeper. This jam, or "As Ever Spread" as it’s branded, is Meghan’s latest stab at a glow-up. When you’ve burned bridges with the royals and Netflix starts dodging your calls, what’s the next logical step? Organic fruit preserves, obviously. Is it a legit hustle or a desperate PR stunt? Well, let’s let the hair tell the story.
In the now-viral video of the jar inspection, we’re treated to a glorious close-up of the strand in question. This isn’t some dainty little hair lounging on top—nope, this one’s a deep diver. It’s not a crack in the jam or a harmless air bubble; it’s a follicular adventure. It starts at the surface, plunges into the sticky abyss, and pops back up like it’s swimming laps in spread purgatory. Think Mission: Impossible, but with a rogue hair instead of Tom Cruise.
And here’s the kicker: it doesn’t even look like Meghan’s signature long, glossy, extension-worthy locks. No glamour, no shine—just pure, unfiltered creepiness. It’s as if someone at Sussex Spread HQ sneezed, shed, and sealed it up like a twisted surprise in a jam-packed version of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Call it Charlie and the Hair Factory.
Now, let’s talk money—because this gets juicy (unlike the flavor, apparently). Buyers shelled out a premium $14 for a jar so tiny it wouldn’t even cover a croissant, and what did they get? A bonus hair. Is this the luxury experience they signed up for? A golden ticket, but make it a follicle? Honestly, it’s peak Meghan: everything she touches seems to morph into a budget version of what it promised to be.
This spread isn’t even FDA-approved—shocker, right? Quality control? Never met her. Maybe Meghan figured a cute floral label and a few whispers of “artisanal” would distract from the literal DNA in the mix. And don’t worry, her PR team’s probably already hard at work spinning this into a sob story. Sabotage! She’s the victim again! Maybe the hair’s from a jealous assistant, a sneaky paparazzi plot—or maybe, just maybe, the spread is the perfect metaphor for her brand: sweet on the outside, sketchy in the middle, and a little gross if you dig too deep.
Here’s the deal: if you’re craving hair with your toast, skip the $14 scam jam. Just swipe your hairbrush over a jar of Smucker’s and call it a day. Same vibe, less drama.
